Monday, January 9

My Friends, Your Friends

He is inviting all my friends to his birthday party.

Which means that on his birthday party I'll be sitting at home feeling miserable and guess what?

I'll be alone.

As it should be.

Sunday, January 8

The actual letter that went to The Boy

After discovering some particularly nasty ramblings about me on someone's blog Dan and I decided it was time we get some 'perspective': read go to the coast for three days and eat fish and chips and drink baileys every night. After much (much much much) talking about The Boy she and I came up with a plan, which as almost all plans do, seemed much cleverer before I carried it out.

To cut a long story short, I gave him $500 cash (no, not a bribe, a debt) and a note that said:

"You're stupid.

I love you.

I'm only not happy when I'm not with you."

That was yesterday at 4 pm. He has one month to respond, otherwise I'm very seriously considering leaving Canberra for a while. Its just too hard to live in our house with our memories and get over him, particularly when I still love him. I'm starting to tell people and I'm getting worried now that if I don't end up going they'll badge me a drama queen (again) and not take me seriously.

On another matter, why do people feel the need to bitch about me on their blogs? I can handle the "She's so fat ha ha ha" stuff, its petty bitching usual done by people who are insecure about the very thing they accuse me of. These people accuse me a of fraud, and accuse another friend of being a child abuser. How sick is that? Grow up people. Saying it over a drink in your lounge room is your business, putting it on the web is another altogether.

Monday, January 2

NYE + 2

I spent new years eve drinking with my friends and then talking to dan until 12:15, at which point we realised we had missed the whole happy new year thing.

Which was perfect because this was entirely my intention.

The idea of counting down the seconds and watching fireworks without him seemed like another milestone missed and I'm just not strong enough to face it.

I miss him, I love him, I have no idea what is going on in his head but I think I know what he is going to say, no matter when or where I hear it.

Friday, December 30

Letter to the Boy

Dear Boy,

You suck muchly.

Please stop making me hate you.

From the girl who loves you more than you deserve.

Thursday, December 29

Don't Romanticise

I find it ironic that I'm so hopeless with romance and yet so skilled at romanticising. I'm talking to Sam's best bud on msn and its killing me. He was at the mall this afternoon. I was within metres of him. It's breaking my heart that he is available to everyone but me.

It destroys me to know that the longer I am ignored the more my resentment builds and the less chance there ever is that I could trust him again.

The universe is punishing me for not wanting to let go - because I cannot stop loving him I am beginging to hate him and all that he makes me right now.

Wednesday, December 28

Lastest Obsessive Thoughts of Boy

He never loved me. Thats the conclusion I have reached after much (too much) thinking.

This makes sense because:
(a) if he did love me he wouln't stop loving me over night unless I did something horrible;
(b) I didn't do anything horrible;
(c) he sure as hell doesn't love me now; and
(d) I consider three months to be an insufficient mourning period.

Now all I have to do is come to terms with the fact that not only doesn't he love me now, he probably never did. I don't think it was ever malicious - he thought it was love at the time but has now come to realise it was something else. This isn't a repeat of Craig, there was no intentional deception. He just got caught up in an idea.

So now I'm trying to let logic rule, even thought it feels like I'm dying to think he never loved me.

Tuesday, December 27

Emotional abuse

This is my random and rushed attempt to gte out some thoughts I'm having on emotional abuse before sarah gets here.

When is the line drawn at emotional abuse? Every day in normal situations people use their knowledge of other people to get what they want, and this isn't always emotional abuse although it seems to be a definitive example.

Part of dealing with people is comprise and part of being satisfied while still comprising is making deals. For example: it is more important that I see my friends than I sleep, although I feel dead, because I never see my friends and they deserve some of my time. Number one: deal with self. Other deals? What movie do you go see? You compromise because it is more important that you are spending time with that person than you see a movie you like.

I don't think either of these are particualrly good illustrations but I'm very tired and no-one reads these things anyway.

So anyway, I am questioning whether I employ emotional abuse to get what I want. I'm the first to admit that I'm manipulative in certain situations, but I wouldn't describe myself as manipulative person.

I gave sarah her christmas pressie and she seems amused so I am pleased. Having intimate knowledge of the stock in a calender shop has its advantages [note: I have never been able to spell calander so back off spelling nazi's].

Anyway, everyone will make deals and sacrifices based on agreements and expectations. I see it as part of getting along in life, because you can't have your own way all the time. I know this because I have tried and of anyone was going tro suceed at having their own way all the time it would be me.

Is asking someone to do something knowing they will do it because they love you emotional abuse? If so, does this mean that we cannot ask people who love us for anything ever because they are influenced or persuaded by their love.

"Honey, I'd like to ask you if you want to have a threesome with me and my best friend, but I don't think its something I can ask of you because you will CLEARLY be making the decision because you love me."

[The question was Sarah's suggestion, although I also beleive this to be funny considering it is me and Sararh... "Hey - remember that time that you and I had sex with my boyfriend... Wow, that was the weirdest sentence I've ever said."]

Sararh says the calandar is "immensley her".

Still miss sam muchly. Still lying awake thinking about him. Still trying not to count the days and come terms with the concept that he actually really might not be coming back.

More later.